So, it looks like I just forgot about this place huh?
In truth, I really did need one less thing to keep up with in 2018-2019. We as a family had lots of change and I personally had so much growth, and it all happened if I blogged or didn't. I never posted about birthdays or changes in the kids, I haven't even done a "new house" reveal (we moved in over a year ago) and I didn't fill the world in about the hard parts of life.
If we are being honest, I have always hated when people put a fake happy out for audiences. I think it is weak. I would rather you be quiet in your rough patch, than to fake a smile for the masses. That is exactly what I did, well didn't.
I didn't post.
I didn't share.
I didn't care.
I have had this nudge to write THIS post for months now. A declaration of sorts, and of course a catch up round since this is a place to keep up with the family and myself. There are two parts to this post. Be ready for round one as you continue reading.
School - Job #1
I entered my 9th year of teaching last year and it proved to be one of the hardest years of my teaching life. See, after 9 years of doing this career, I expected to know exactly how to handle all the situations. [insert every veteran teacher laughing at me.] The students were difficult, I was teaching brand new classes, I felt taken advantage of as a professional, and I was being asked/told to take on too much. My expectations of an easy year, again were way off. We ended up having 15 days of eLearning and that in itself might have been enough to make me loose my mind. I also found that my raise was the smallest I have ever seen (until this year that is.) I had a hard time balancing the extra of teaching, and my other growing passion and part time job.Photography - Job #2
I adore photography. I did not expect this little fire of a passion. I love so much about it, but I do not like shoving it into the cracks of my day and life. I found myself being spread too thin because I was trying to treat my side hustle, like a full time job. I felt like my clients expected this from me. I am so proud of this little business, but I had to make a point to leave it part time and to focus on NOT growing it, to instead "Build a better business, not a bigger business." This might have been the best choice in my season of life, it did not feel right. I expected my photographer self to keep up with season veterans and marketing queens. That was impossible. My expectations or goals WERE scary last year but luckily my stepping back then, will help me step forward later.Parenting - Job #3
Ben was in his first year as Assistant Principal + Athletic Director. I happen to think he is amazing at this job. He is spread so thin during some parts of the school year, but handles it. We had no idea what to expect, so when the late nights and early mornings started to add up we just tucked our heads like we would during basketball season, but this wasn't a season, it was a full school year. This learning curve was difficult on me, and the kids and for our leader of the family. I expected the season of hard, not the full year and I felt very alone for a long time. Again, I had an expectation that he would be around more, and I felt guilty even asking that of him because he was being asked to do so much out of the home.Holidays
I missed my family so much during this round of celebrations. I was also very aware of how hard this was for Ben's family, after all Ben had never had a Christmas morning anywhere other than his parents old house. I felt like were were living in limbo. We were trying to cheer up his parents, all while be excited that we were doing life in our new house. I ended up loving how we celebrated Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. It was fun staying in our house and just the grandparents walk up the stairs. I had expected things to be very easy and go seamlessly, but I realized I needed to work to make things go well and for everyone to feel welcome. I felt like I couldn't get anything right when measuring to my expectations and the constant need to readjust made my head spin.Therapist
So there I was, going to a job that was draining me, working really hard at my side hustle because I though it demanded that, picking up the kids and doing lots of solo parenting, and going home to a situation for which I was simply not ready.I started drinking A LOT of wine, not the cute post to Instagram with a book in the bath, kind of wine, like a whole bottle every night.
Feelings of panic when driving home started small and escalated quickly. It wasn't the destination that pushed me into panic, it was the route home. See, I drive past a beautiful river and in it has the winding road and in the fall and winter it really is breath taking. Yet, here I was shaking, sometimes loosing my breath, even crying. I felt like I was going to loose control and wreak into the water and have to save myself and my car seat age kids.
In January, I was driving home after a particularly hard day and had another panic attack. I grabbed my phone and said, "Hey Siri, where is the nearest therapist?" and got, "I found these therapists near you." Those results changed my life. Full disclosure: the closest one to me was on my street, in my neighborhood. That was a hard pass. Then I found a Christ centered business and called, left a message, and that night my therapist called to make an appointment. I already felt better.
But, I still hadn't talked with Ben about any of my struggle. After I took that phone call he came into the room with a "who are you talking to" face and I gave him the "give me a moment look" and then took a deep breath, hung up the phone and ignored the whole thing. You know, like a real adult.
Later in the kitchen in the middle of a random conversation, I stopped and told him I was going to start seeing a therapist. That was harder than making the call for the appointment.
It felt like I was saying:
"I know you think you married wonder-woman, and for the most part I am, but I need some help."I expected to be "fixed" after one session, and honestly... it was worse for a few weeks. I was moody, and I was mad a lot. It was like facing all the things YOU were doing to yourself. Didn't my therapist know that all my problems were from other people? Ha, nope after a few weeks it was clear. As in he said to me:
"Amanda, you create unrealistic expectations for others, and for yourself."Now, to start building a tool belt to help me let go of
I was given challenges of delegating and not taking over, of letting some comments roll off my back, saying "no" to certain events or time commitments, I was challenged to help someone without sacrificing my time, and to look at how I put people on a pedestal which wasn't fair to them or me.
In the next part I am going to talk about spring and summer in our house and the simple updates of life since then. I want to leave this chaos in this decade and enter 2020 with a strong (and realistic) vision for myself.